"Top 10 reasons the Jets, not the Giants, are playoff bound"

I remember being about 18.5% worried before the Giants first playoff game last year that Eli Manning would somehow lead his Giant team to greatness, and I would have to listen to all of these "Yankee fans on break" rave about their new franchise quarterback Eli Manning. I guess this is no longer an issue...

Top 10 reasons the Jets, not the Giants, are playoff bound:

10. If Chad Pennington and Eli Manning were to fight, Chad Pennington would win - Before you begin to completely digest that, think about this: Who else could Chad Pennington beat up? I really think if we set up a celebrity boxing match for next week with him and Dan Rather, it would be even money. This should be a testament to how tough we think Eli is. What if you replaced fight with any other skillful act? Eli would still get spanked, right? Dancing with the stars? Darts? Guess who? When would you really give this guy an advantage? Maybe I am bias, but Eli looks more helpless than Saddam Hussein right now.

9. Jerricho Cotchery - Seriously, is there a name that is more fun to say? Think of how many jobs this name would be great for...He could be a superhero, a famous chef, brilliant politician, or just some friend of yours from work ("Hey Jerricho, you want to get a couple drinks after work tonight?") - It is just a very fun name. The more I think about it, it doesn't even really fit football player that well, it's just that every time you hear an announcer say it on Sunday, it sounds like they are adding to the book of genesis..."And it's Jerricho Cotchery! He will not be denied!" Think about this - the Jets most glaring weakness is a formidable pass rush, and who is conveniently one of the top five pass rushers in college football right now? Quentin Moses! Can you imagine if these guys are teammates? They should just started kicking it now, talking on the phone etc. - Like when you call your future college roommate 8 months before you live together. ..by the time you get there you are already boys.

8. A Better Home field advantage - I know they play in the same stadium, but have you been to both a Jet and a Giant game? Is it me, or do Jet fans seem like they all invested more money than they can afford in the teams success?(which is a joke, but more close to home than you may think, 85% of these people look like they couldn't afford to fill up their Chevelle with petro, let alone fork up the $1,540 a seat). These fans literally live and die with their team. During a their home shutout loss to the Bears, there was a couple in our section who left with 10:00 remaining in the game. When I saw them getting up to leave, hundreds of fans began to boo these people like they drafted Renaldo Baukman. I mean, they were only leaving because the Jets hadn't scored, and it was 26 degrees and windy, but they were berated all the same. Anyhow, the best part of this story is that these people actually left early to sell their leftover BBQ out of the back of their RV, with a sign that read "Need to pay for my season tickets". That is a fan.

7. Significant Coaching Edge - When Tom Coughlin goes to the supermarket, and tries to order Boars head turkey, but the gentleman behind the counter explains that they only have the generic brand, does he make that same "my team just allowed 2 consecutive 4th and ten conversions to a guy who scored an 11 out 50 on the wonderlic test" look on his face? If you look closely, the wrinkles in his face are from that frown position - you know, the one when his hands are on his hips. ..You know what? I am going to get a

Fathead of Tom Coughlin in that exact stance, and I am going to put it up at my office. Every time someone comes over and asks me for a TPS report, I am just going to point to the fathead. (By the way, other than breaking his face, is there anything to which you could attribute the demise of Ben Roethlisberger to more than appearing in those awful Fathead commercials?)

6. Manning Saturation - I remember one time in 1994, I was watching television, and I counted seven (7!) different channels which were simultaneously playing Hootie and the blowfish songs. They had the best selling CD on the planet, something like 8 million copies sold. Fast forward to 2006, and the lead singer for Hootie, Darius Rucker, is doing Burger King ads in a polyester Dallas Cowboys cheer leading uniform. Now, I am not sure exactly what this means for the Mannings, if anything, but aren't you seeing a little too much of them lately?

5. Joe Buck - I still remember his call when Yadier Molina hit a 2-run bomb off of Aaron Heilman in the ninth inning of game 7 NCLS, and I am now certain that if I ever die a sudden, violent death, the last thing I hear will be Joe Bucks voice calling the action. How does this affect the Giants? I have no idea.

4. Tiki Barber is done with football - Help me out here...Tiki has stated that this is his last season, no matter what the result. He claims he has "other interests" aside from football which he would like to pursue, and he is intentionally vague. How is this any different than quitting your job, and giving your two weeks notice? How much more work do you actually do after that point? You basically spend the next 10 days watching You-Tube , taking 2 hour lunches, and deleting 2968 emails you would never want your mother to read. Isn't this the same thing? I love the reaction from Eli after this story broke - When asked to comment on Tiki's impending retirement, Eli said "Well look at it like this, now we can ride him into the ground!". I swear this is true.

3. Strength of Schedule - As evidenced by my roommates never ending, and completely warranted complaints, the Giants do have a brutal schedule. While the Jets get to giggle at Miami, Buffalo and Oakland in 3 of the last 4, the Giants have to travel to Carolina next week, and then play Philly and the Saints. I remember what happened the last time the GMEN played Carolina...

2. Black vs. Brown: I think black people are excellent football players. There I said it. Now hear me out before you force me to go on Letterman to apologize...Look at the RB's for both teams. Tiki Barber has to be the whitest black guy since Gene Wilder in See no Evil, Hear no evil. And the Jets? They have 3 RB's you will never confuse with Wayne Brady. Well, you be the judge.

1. Fireman Ed will will the Jets to victory- For those of you who don't know Fireman Ed, he is the Jets "Official Fan". Really. They pay him to be the face of the fans. His responsibilities include showing up at random team events wearing his fireman's hat, and starting the J-E-T-S...Jets, Jets, Jets chants on game day. He has been known to love the team so much, that his positive energy can literally cause the game to swing. Earlier this year, during a victory over the Patriots, he managed to give Tom Brady diarrhea in the second half. This week, he is going to impose his will on JP Losman, and force him to get sacked 7 times, despite being the second fastest quarterback in the NFL, and throw 3 interceptions. Watch, It will happen. During the post game press conference, the Bills will say things like "We just didn't have it today" and "We need to play with more intensity". That be the wrath of Fireman Ed Mr. Losman.








Next week: "Patron, and it's socioeconomic effect on twenty somethings across America..."

JewTalian "Aluminum Fronts", The Story

In the past, when I have been asked to review albums from such esteemed artists such as U2, Jay-Z, and Mary J Blidge, I have politely declined due to what I like to call "selective perception". I could not understand the messages, could not appreciate what the artist was trying to achieve with this work, and certainly could not connect with them from any kind of soci0logical perspective. It was at that point in my life when I had a crucible; I would endlessly search for the perfect piece of work which could reflect true wisdom. I would not review, and then in turn be inherently critical of any artists work of which I did not completely understand. Moreover, I would need to meet the creator, and be able to hear from the horses mouth what the finished product meant to him. When I met the "JewTalian", I immediately knew that search was over.

This album, for all intents and purposes, began as about as serious of an undertaking as a regular day at his job. But then, something magical happened. After making his single, Aluminum Fronts available on social networking site www.myspace.com, the album began to have a pulse. People were listening to the song at a record breaking rate, users were adding the song to their profiles with reckless abandon, it seemed like only a lack of publicity could put the brakes on such momentum.

Then, on a cool night in September, that publicity JewTalian was searching for suddenly appeared. While guzzling down $1 beers at the local whore of a bar "Turtle Bay" (A miserable enterprise funded mostly by Neo Nazi fascists and people who Embezzle money from the special Olympics), JewTalian was allegedly confronted by two members of a rival gang/rap click "United Nations" and words were exchanged. According to eyewitnesses, T.I.S. (Jewtalians childhood friend) had managed to temporarily calm the ruckus, but as they left, the members of the United Nations posse insulted Jewtalians longtime friend, and spiritual advisor, an act of cowardness which he just could not let go. He jumped out of the window of the bar, and confronted U.N. After about 10 minutes of fingerpointing, name calling, and Tai boxing crescent kicks to the nose, the members of the United Nations entourage were left bloodied and disgraced, lying in a trash heap. After 48 hours in lock up, JewTalian was released to a flurry of television cameras, reporters, and fans.

JewTalian had reached the pinnacle of his career - He had the 9054th most listened to song on Myspace music, national media attention, and a new single "Dat ain't my Kid" ready to drop. Then, almost as suddenly as his fame came, the unthinkable happened. His old friend, and producer Gregory "Doc" Polatto called with horrible news. Pictures began to surface from from the days of JewTalians old band "Matty-S and the upstate silhouettes". It goes with out saying the difference in image is staggering. Matty S and the U.S.S. used to play bar mitzvahs and weddings in the Rochester area in the early 90's. They were highlighted by Matt's (Jewtalian) riveting recorder solos, where people in the audience would literally fall down in tears from his soulful melodies. It turns out JewTalians efforts to keep these facts hidden are vast. He hired public image consultant and private detective Derek Fiorentino to destroy all records of his past, and even moved 400 miles to escape the ridicule (Matty S would frequently encounter clients of his who would throw full heads of lettuce at him, and spit at his feet). These efforts, however, have been in vain. Since the posting of these pictures on the Web, JewTalian has been unavailable for comment, his drinking has increased from 5 to 6 days a week, and the number of Myspace users with his song on their page has dropped from 7 down to 2.

What is next for this paradox of an entertainer? A new persona? An acting career? Calls put in to Jewtalian have gone unreturned, and his current publicist, who asked to remain anonymous, left us with only this comment: "JewTalian, Matty-S, or whoever, He will be back".

And we will be waiting.

10 People to hate at Work

10. The know it all Jerkoff Salesman - This slice of heaven can be easily noticed by his Old Spice Stench, obnoxious personality, frequent references to athletic triumphs before the age of 18, and constant need to explain boring and ridiculous tidbits of information that he as acquired in his travels. These incredibly irritating speeches can be identified early by the use of such words as "Forex" and "R.O.I", and phrases such as "When I was working on Wall Street...". Other indicators you may be in close proximity to such a prick are the absence of attractive women, awful sports metaphors, or receiving email with an inspirational quote at the bottom (i.e. "Fortune favors the bold"). Common defenses against said fuckstick include not quoting Boiler Room, and not laughing at your own jokes. This is also the same asshole who is most likely to still live with his parents because it provides him with "Fiscal Flexibility".

9. Dragon Breath - Every office, no matter where you work, has one fucking guy who has the oral hygiene of medieval times. His breath, which has a ipecac like effect on all organisms within 30
feet, smells like he brushed his teeth with throw up, and ate a Shit sandwich for lunch. There are actually two subcategories of the DB. DB1, is fully aware of the death stench coming out of his mouth and has enlisted some preliminary corrections such as chewing gum, or "talking on the Mic", where his hand is in front of his mouth during sentences. We can tolerate a DB1, we are not running to use his phone, but he is okay. DB2, on the other hand, needs an ass kicking. He is oblivious to his tongue funk. These people have obviously never gotten laid, typically wear eye spectacles, and are balding.

8. The Ex-Hookup - For those of you who have mad the age old mistake of Shitting where you eat, this is undoubtedly not your favorite employee. At some point you got mildly drunk on a weeknight, wound up fingerbanging her in the foyer of her walk-up apartment, but never making it any further because you somehow thought not taking your clothes off constituted a conscious decision on your part to not cross the workplace Pooty threshold. Now, you are subject to awkward, glancing hellos and goodbye's, and emails saying nothing but "what's up?" (although her cubicle is 100 yards away). You will forever dread company parties or social events where the bureaucratic safeguards which have protected you from your drunken promiscuity have been removed. There are not many defenses against this foe, uless of course you work in media, in which case she will probably screw half the office before Thanksgiving.

7. The "Young Boss" - For the life of you, you can not figure out how the fuck (profanity required) such an incredible Douchbag snuck his way to a position as your superior. He is no more than a year older than you, obviously chugged some cock to get where he is, and finds the need to exhort his authority about 50% more than anyone else in management. You both know he makes more money than you, but he still wears the same tie he wore to his Bar Mitzvah. Rocking Reebok's during the commute from I'llneverbecoolville isn't helping limit the cadre of jokes and personal attacks which are a common practice by all subordinates. Common personality traits include referencing cool bars that you say you have been to (but haven't), having pretend conversations on the telephone with your "girlfriend", and inviting you and all of your coworkers to his apartment for a "party" on Saturday night, where the majority of the activities are him telling you how much work he will hand out on Monday morning, and how small his penis is. If you want to stay away from this winner, make sure to not frequent the $5 haircut place around the corner from work, and definitely don't smoke parliaments.

6.The "IT Director" - Staying on the topic of gorgeous souls who make more money than you, enter the IT director. You are not quite sure why there is a director of IT when there are only 16 computers in your office, or why they picked someone with the social skills of punky brewster to troubleshoot networking issues, but nevertheless here he be. How he is in a position to fix problems with software that was created after he began collecting social security is a small mystery to you, as is how he usually manages ro fix the problem and have absolutely no idea how he did it. During this fixing process you are constantly worried he will run a "CTU-Backtrace" and reveal that you have spent your day looking at a Linzie Lohan nipple slip. Lucky for you such things don't exist.

5. The Receptionist - There is an old proverb which says: "In the business world an executive knows something about everything, a technician knows everything about something and the receptionist knows everything." Unless you want her to disclose the fact that you spend half of your day on the phone with your idiot friends deliberating which parts of your body you would sacrifice to bang Jessica Simpson, it is a necessity you are nice to her (I say her, because no self respecting male should ever be a receptionist, and if you are, you are a fag). For some reason, these glorious operators usually have some kind of accent, did not go to college, and have had a child before the age of 21.

4. The guy you can't understand- It is a shame no one can comprehend a word that this dude is saying, because if the shit he spittin is half as funny as he looks he would be the most popular guys in the office. T.G.Y.C.U. hails from a place that you did not know existed, and usually dons clothes that push the business casual dress code places everyone else knows it should not be going. Everytime you ask someone else where he is from, you get a different answer. His sentences usually sound either like prayers, or like you are sitting in the back of a cab listening to the driver talk to his buddies (By the way...Who the fuck are those guys talking to?). Common tip offs that T.G.Y.C.U. is headed in your direction are people googling "Kuala Lumpur translator" and looks of utter confusion. Assuming you would like to avoid a conversation with T.G.Y.C.U., make sure to speak out against the usefulness of the United Nations, or wear a star of David around you neck - He will think you are a slave and will not honor you with dialogue.

3.The Third Wheel - Like it or not, the common workplace is more Clicky than your Jr. high school. You have your group of friends who you like to eat with, enjoy continuous email correspondence with, and shoot the shit about how many different guys in the office the head of HR has Fucked. In every office, there is one guy, who has no click. He is a wonderer. This is the guy your mother made you hang out with in elementary school. He is the guy who played Dungeons and Dragons in High School. He was the guy in college who didn't get a bid to your fraternity and spent the rest of his time there playing the guitar in the dorms and not wearing shoes. However, at this stage, the loneliness has caught up to him. He searches the offices for group conversations, and invitations, like a predator stalking his prey. First, he managed to invite himself to lunch with you and your friends. Next, he somehow "found out" what bar you were going to on Saturday night, and showed up (by himself) only to basically stand on the outskirts of your group of friends, and laugh every couple minutes. At first you wondered why The third wheel had no friends of his own, but after seeing him drunk off two beers, trying to bang the bar whore by telling her he knows 3 of the 5 backstreet boys, you figured it out.

2.The Euphemism Nazi- There is a guy, in all places of business, who has seen Wall Street too many times, and will never pass up an opportunity to abuse a Euphemism. Whether he is "Trying to hit a home run on this account" or can't help you out with a TPS report due to "Having a lot on his plate" he is always "in the red" regarding vernacular. When speaking with him, you are always "touching base" and you never feel quite comfortable when you make a date to "hook-Up" later on in the day. Looking for a desciption for something, just plug in the old "It is what it is" strike. How groundbreaking. Common feelings associated with this shining star are the unexpected overwhelming feeling to drown yourself in the bath tub, and irritable bowl syndrome.

1.The Ivy Leaguer - I hate this guy. Have a diploma hanging in your cubicle? Update your resume for fun? Know who Diana Digarmo is? Then you are the loved Ivy leaguer. Can you imagine how many more times you would bring home a chick from the bar if you went to Harvard? When you work your alma mater into 97.5% of social conversations and you still don't get laid you are knocking down Pathetics door. Shit, if I went to Yale I would be on the supreme court right now. Low and Behold, he is still employed at the same excruciatingly awful, personality paralyzing firm as you. In college, when you were playing beer pong on Tuesday nights, and having your pledges attend your morning classes, this future scapegoat of an accounting fraud was starting the Armenian student union, and jerking off to the joy of sex. Common characteristics include having your initials embroidered on the pocket of your shirt, and constantly discussing your S.A.T scores. Don't want to run into The Ivy Leaguer?...Don't plan on attending your ten year high school reunion, and definitely don't work here...This job sucks.

**Special thanks to Anthony Portelli, Simon Shulman, and the Iona Basketball team...