10 People to hate at Work

10. The know it all Jerkoff Salesman - This slice of heaven can be easily noticed by his Old Spice Stench, obnoxious personality, frequent references to athletic triumphs before the age of 18, and constant need to explain boring and ridiculous tidbits of information that he as acquired in his travels. These incredibly irritating speeches can be identified early by the use of such words as "Forex" and "R.O.I", and phrases such as "When I was working on Wall Street...". Other indicators you may be in close proximity to such a prick are the absence of attractive women, awful sports metaphors, or receiving email with an inspirational quote at the bottom (i.e. "Fortune favors the bold"). Common defenses against said fuckstick include not quoting Boiler Room, and not laughing at your own jokes. This is also the same asshole who is most likely to still live with his parents because it provides him with "Fiscal Flexibility".

9. Dragon Breath - Every office, no matter where you work, has one fucking guy who has the oral hygiene of medieval times. His breath, which has a ipecac like effect on all organisms within 30
feet, smells like he brushed his teeth with throw up, and ate a Shit sandwich for lunch. There are actually two subcategories of the DB. DB1, is fully aware of the death stench coming out of his mouth and has enlisted some preliminary corrections such as chewing gum, or "talking on the Mic", where his hand is in front of his mouth during sentences. We can tolerate a DB1, we are not running to use his phone, but he is okay. DB2, on the other hand, needs an ass kicking. He is oblivious to his tongue funk. These people have obviously never gotten laid, typically wear eye spectacles, and are balding.

8. The Ex-Hookup - For those of you who have mad the age old mistake of Shitting where you eat, this is undoubtedly not your favorite employee. At some point you got mildly drunk on a weeknight, wound up fingerbanging her in the foyer of her walk-up apartment, but never making it any further because you somehow thought not taking your clothes off constituted a conscious decision on your part to not cross the workplace Pooty threshold. Now, you are subject to awkward, glancing hellos and goodbye's, and emails saying nothing but "what's up?" (although her cubicle is 100 yards away). You will forever dread company parties or social events where the bureaucratic safeguards which have protected you from your drunken promiscuity have been removed. There are not many defenses against this foe, uless of course you work in media, in which case she will probably screw half the office before Thanksgiving.

7. The "Young Boss" - For the life of you, you can not figure out how the fuck (profanity required) such an incredible Douchbag snuck his way to a position as your superior. He is no more than a year older than you, obviously chugged some cock to get where he is, and finds the need to exhort his authority about 50% more than anyone else in management. You both know he makes more money than you, but he still wears the same tie he wore to his Bar Mitzvah. Rocking Reebok's during the commute from I'llneverbecoolville isn't helping limit the cadre of jokes and personal attacks which are a common practice by all subordinates. Common personality traits include referencing cool bars that you say you have been to (but haven't), having pretend conversations on the telephone with your "girlfriend", and inviting you and all of your coworkers to his apartment for a "party" on Saturday night, where the majority of the activities are him telling you how much work he will hand out on Monday morning, and how small his penis is. If you want to stay away from this winner, make sure to not frequent the $5 haircut place around the corner from work, and definitely don't smoke parliaments.

6.The "IT Director" - Staying on the topic of gorgeous souls who make more money than you, enter the IT director. You are not quite sure why there is a director of IT when there are only 16 computers in your office, or why they picked someone with the social skills of punky brewster to troubleshoot networking issues, but nevertheless here he be. How he is in a position to fix problems with software that was created after he began collecting social security is a small mystery to you, as is how he usually manages ro fix the problem and have absolutely no idea how he did it. During this fixing process you are constantly worried he will run a "CTU-Backtrace" and reveal that you have spent your day looking at a Linzie Lohan nipple slip. Lucky for you such things don't exist.

5. The Receptionist - There is an old proverb which says: "In the business world an executive knows something about everything, a technician knows everything about something and the receptionist knows everything." Unless you want her to disclose the fact that you spend half of your day on the phone with your idiot friends deliberating which parts of your body you would sacrifice to bang Jessica Simpson, it is a necessity you are nice to her (I say her, because no self respecting male should ever be a receptionist, and if you are, you are a fag). For some reason, these glorious operators usually have some kind of accent, did not go to college, and have had a child before the age of 21.

4. The guy you can't understand- It is a shame no one can comprehend a word that this dude is saying, because if the shit he spittin is half as funny as he looks he would be the most popular guys in the office. T.G.Y.C.U. hails from a place that you did not know existed, and usually dons clothes that push the business casual dress code places everyone else knows it should not be going. Everytime you ask someone else where he is from, you get a different answer. His sentences usually sound either like prayers, or like you are sitting in the back of a cab listening to the driver talk to his buddies (By the way...Who the fuck are those guys talking to?). Common tip offs that T.G.Y.C.U. is headed in your direction are people googling "Kuala Lumpur translator" and looks of utter confusion. Assuming you would like to avoid a conversation with T.G.Y.C.U., make sure to speak out against the usefulness of the United Nations, or wear a star of David around you neck - He will think you are a slave and will not honor you with dialogue.

3.The Third Wheel - Like it or not, the common workplace is more Clicky than your Jr. high school. You have your group of friends who you like to eat with, enjoy continuous email correspondence with, and shoot the shit about how many different guys in the office the head of HR has Fucked. In every office, there is one guy, who has no click. He is a wonderer. This is the guy your mother made you hang out with in elementary school. He is the guy who played Dungeons and Dragons in High School. He was the guy in college who didn't get a bid to your fraternity and spent the rest of his time there playing the guitar in the dorms and not wearing shoes. However, at this stage, the loneliness has caught up to him. He searches the offices for group conversations, and invitations, like a predator stalking his prey. First, he managed to invite himself to lunch with you and your friends. Next, he somehow "found out" what bar you were going to on Saturday night, and showed up (by himself) only to basically stand on the outskirts of your group of friends, and laugh every couple minutes. At first you wondered why The third wheel had no friends of his own, but after seeing him drunk off two beers, trying to bang the bar whore by telling her he knows 3 of the 5 backstreet boys, you figured it out.

2.The Euphemism Nazi- There is a guy, in all places of business, who has seen Wall Street too many times, and will never pass up an opportunity to abuse a Euphemism. Whether he is "Trying to hit a home run on this account" or can't help you out with a TPS report due to "Having a lot on his plate" he is always "in the red" regarding vernacular. When speaking with him, you are always "touching base" and you never feel quite comfortable when you make a date to "hook-Up" later on in the day. Looking for a desciption for something, just plug in the old "It is what it is" strike. How groundbreaking. Common feelings associated with this shining star are the unexpected overwhelming feeling to drown yourself in the bath tub, and irritable bowl syndrome.

1.The Ivy Leaguer - I hate this guy. Have a diploma hanging in your cubicle? Update your resume for fun? Know who Diana Digarmo is? Then you are the loved Ivy leaguer. Can you imagine how many more times you would bring home a chick from the bar if you went to Harvard? When you work your alma mater into 97.5% of social conversations and you still don't get laid you are knocking down Pathetics door. Shit, if I went to Yale I would be on the supreme court right now. Low and Behold, he is still employed at the same excruciatingly awful, personality paralyzing firm as you. In college, when you were playing beer pong on Tuesday nights, and having your pledges attend your morning classes, this future scapegoat of an accounting fraud was starting the Armenian student union, and jerking off to the joy of sex. Common characteristics include having your initials embroidered on the pocket of your shirt, and constantly discussing your S.A.T scores. Don't want to run into The Ivy Leaguer?...Don't plan on attending your ten year high school reunion, and definitely don't work here...This job sucks.

**Special thanks to Anthony Portelli, Simon Shulman, and the Iona Basketball team...