Michael Kraemer: The Interview

This is the first in a series of Tribute pages for the great men of the 21st Century.

Let me introduce our first guest in this series, famous socialite Mike Kraemer.

Welcome Mike, let me start by asking you the question that we are all dying to know...Where the Fuck are you?

MK: Well you know, I chill in the cut. A lot of heads don't know exactly what that is, or where it's at, so that why I like it so much.

JZ: But how does anyone Holla at you?

MK: Well, I need to want to be hollad at, then I will bartend at Red Sky. All the Dun Duns come a runnin.

JZ: Does that give you enough quality time with your "Dun Duns"?

MK: Well not exactly, but I get paid for it. You try hanging out a bunch of Jews, a couple Wops, and an Irishman at the same time - and keep an eye on the talent...Shit gets mad hectic you know?

JZ: I see, well speaking of talent - Your mom is Wicked Hot.

MK: I know! And she strikes a ridiculous resembelence to my girl! Isn't that wierd??? Rock it out!

JZ: Mike - for all of our readers out there, how do you stay so up to date with the coolest parties, and stay looking so fresh?

MK: Well it really starts with this guy Q. Nobody really has any idea WTF to do on any given night until they call Q. Once he sets a direction, things get in motion. And in regards to lookin so good, I mean look at my baby picture (above), Shit was meant to be son!

JZ: Could you tell us about your expierience being the lead singer in the band?

MK: Oh, Dog...I wasn't in a band. Thats just some funny shit I do when I mad Driz. I am funny cat.

JZ: I know you have done some acting, could you tell us about that expierience?

MK: Yeah. Acting is lilke eating at McDonald's. You never know what you want when you first get into it, and then once you decide how your gonna eat, shit feels mad good. The problem is as soon as you are done, you have to drop a duece.

JZ: Does that happen a lot to you, having to drop a duece I mean?

MK: Fuck yeah! I believe a healthy individual will drop 4-5 dueces daily. Some can be more aggressive than others, but the idea is to just get them in. Or out. It's like my Mantra.

JZ: We heard you recently had a barbeque and some of the guests got out of hand, resulting in $3000 in front door property damage. Could you tell us what happened?

MK: Well, I have this friend named Drunken Antone. When I am drizzed, I have a duplicate peronality named Michael Kramass Nathanial Jones Esquire III (Inset). When we get together it is like giving a Gremlin food after 12.

JZ: Interesting. I would like to play a little word association now if it is ok with you.

MK: Sure, Do you!

JZ: Doody.

MK: My Brother.

JZ: Ummm, OK. Brains?

MK: (Laughing Hysterically) Hell Yeah!

JZ:Song.

MK: Feel, Feel, Feel, Feel Feel................Feel My heat. Yeah!

JZ: OK, I don't think this is working. Moving on, how did you like modeling?

MK: Shit was hot son. All the bizznitches wanted a piece or Krammass Jones. The only problem was they kept wanting me to travel to third world ccountries & Shit. You try taking 4 Dumps a day in Pakistan!

JZ: Right, So what are you doing these days?

MK: After the "Pooping like a horse" cat walk incident, I was pretty much blackballed from the modeling world. Now I am the proud owner of a hardware store where I am working on inventing a larger toilet seat for comfort. You ever wonder how Shaq takes a dump?

JZ: Actually, NO. But then again, you are always a few steps ahead of folks.

(Mike has left to take a dump...)

Next week: A new guest.