"Top 10 reasons the Jets, not the Giants, are playoff bound"

I remember being about 18.5% worried before the Giants first playoff game last year that Eli Manning would somehow lead his Giant team to greatness, and I would have to listen to all of these "Yankee fans on break" rave about their new franchise quarterback Eli Manning. I guess this is no longer an issue...

Top 10 reasons the Jets, not the Giants, are playoff bound:

10. If Chad Pennington and Eli Manning were to fight, Chad Pennington would win - Before you begin to completely digest that, think about this: Who else could Chad Pennington beat up? I really think if we set up a celebrity boxing match for next week with him and Dan Rather, it would be even money. This should be a testament to how tough we think Eli is. What if you replaced fight with any other skillful act? Eli would still get spanked, right? Dancing with the stars? Darts? Guess who? When would you really give this guy an advantage? Maybe I am bias, but Eli looks more helpless than Saddam Hussein right now.

9. Jerricho Cotchery - Seriously, is there a name that is more fun to say? Think of how many jobs this name would be great for...He could be a superhero, a famous chef, brilliant politician, or just some friend of yours from work ("Hey Jerricho, you want to get a couple drinks after work tonight?") - It is just a very fun name. The more I think about it, it doesn't even really fit football player that well, it's just that every time you hear an announcer say it on Sunday, it sounds like they are adding to the book of genesis..."And it's Jerricho Cotchery! He will not be denied!" Think about this - the Jets most glaring weakness is a formidable pass rush, and who is conveniently one of the top five pass rushers in college football right now? Quentin Moses! Can you imagine if these guys are teammates? They should just started kicking it now, talking on the phone etc. - Like when you call your future college roommate 8 months before you live together. ..by the time you get there you are already boys.

8. A Better Home field advantage - I know they play in the same stadium, but have you been to both a Jet and a Giant game? Is it me, or do Jet fans seem like they all invested more money than they can afford in the teams success?(which is a joke, but more close to home than you may think, 85% of these people look like they couldn't afford to fill up their Chevelle with petro, let alone fork up the $1,540 a seat). These fans literally live and die with their team. During a their home shutout loss to the Bears, there was a couple in our section who left with 10:00 remaining in the game. When I saw them getting up to leave, hundreds of fans began to boo these people like they drafted Renaldo Baukman. I mean, they were only leaving because the Jets hadn't scored, and it was 26 degrees and windy, but they were berated all the same. Anyhow, the best part of this story is that these people actually left early to sell their leftover BBQ out of the back of their RV, with a sign that read "Need to pay for my season tickets". That is a fan.

7. Significant Coaching Edge - When Tom Coughlin goes to the supermarket, and tries to order Boars head turkey, but the gentleman behind the counter explains that they only have the generic brand, does he make that same "my team just allowed 2 consecutive 4th and ten conversions to a guy who scored an 11 out 50 on the wonderlic test" look on his face? If you look closely, the wrinkles in his face are from that frown position - you know, the one when his hands are on his hips. ..You know what? I am going to get a

Fathead of Tom Coughlin in that exact stance, and I am going to put it up at my office. Every time someone comes over and asks me for a TPS report, I am just going to point to the fathead. (By the way, other than breaking his face, is there anything to which you could attribute the demise of Ben Roethlisberger to more than appearing in those awful Fathead commercials?)

6. Manning Saturation - I remember one time in 1994, I was watching television, and I counted seven (7!) different channels which were simultaneously playing Hootie and the blowfish songs. They had the best selling CD on the planet, something like 8 million copies sold. Fast forward to 2006, and the lead singer for Hootie, Darius Rucker, is doing Burger King ads in a polyester Dallas Cowboys cheer leading uniform. Now, I am not sure exactly what this means for the Mannings, if anything, but aren't you seeing a little too much of them lately?

5. Joe Buck - I still remember his call when Yadier Molina hit a 2-run bomb off of Aaron Heilman in the ninth inning of game 7 NCLS, and I am now certain that if I ever die a sudden, violent death, the last thing I hear will be Joe Bucks voice calling the action. How does this affect the Giants? I have no idea.

4. Tiki Barber is done with football - Help me out here...Tiki has stated that this is his last season, no matter what the result. He claims he has "other interests" aside from football which he would like to pursue, and he is intentionally vague. How is this any different than quitting your job, and giving your two weeks notice? How much more work do you actually do after that point? You basically spend the next 10 days watching You-Tube , taking 2 hour lunches, and deleting 2968 emails you would never want your mother to read. Isn't this the same thing? I love the reaction from Eli after this story broke - When asked to comment on Tiki's impending retirement, Eli said "Well look at it like this, now we can ride him into the ground!". I swear this is true.

3. Strength of Schedule - As evidenced by my roommates never ending, and completely warranted complaints, the Giants do have a brutal schedule. While the Jets get to giggle at Miami, Buffalo and Oakland in 3 of the last 4, the Giants have to travel to Carolina next week, and then play Philly and the Saints. I remember what happened the last time the GMEN played Carolina...

2. Black vs. Brown: I think black people are excellent football players. There I said it. Now hear me out before you force me to go on Letterman to apologize...Look at the RB's for both teams. Tiki Barber has to be the whitest black guy since Gene Wilder in See no Evil, Hear no evil. And the Jets? They have 3 RB's you will never confuse with Wayne Brady. Well, you be the judge.

1. Fireman Ed will will the Jets to victory- For those of you who don't know Fireman Ed, he is the Jets "Official Fan". Really. They pay him to be the face of the fans. His responsibilities include showing up at random team events wearing his fireman's hat, and starting the J-E-T-S...Jets, Jets, Jets chants on game day. He has been known to love the team so much, that his positive energy can literally cause the game to swing. Earlier this year, during a victory over the Patriots, he managed to give Tom Brady diarrhea in the second half. This week, he is going to impose his will on JP Losman, and force him to get sacked 7 times, despite being the second fastest quarterback in the NFL, and throw 3 interceptions. Watch, It will happen. During the post game press conference, the Bills will say things like "We just didn't have it today" and "We need to play with more intensity". That be the wrath of Fireman Ed Mr. Losman.








Next week: "Patron, and it's socioeconomic effect on twenty somethings across America..."