If Hitler Were A Bar, He Would Be VAPOR

I am not a complicated man. I am easily pleased. It is even easier to please me when I am drinking and out with my friends, surrounded by women, dispensing my empty rhetoric to my cohorts, and random females alike. That is why I am still surprised that I am so Fucking Angry at the "lounge" I was in on Saturday night. Normally if I despise the location of my public intoxication, in my stooper I would either not remember how terrible it was, or would simply apply a lifetime boycott and laugh and point at anyone I knew who would still go there. But this just wont go away. There should be a greater awareness of how awful this place is. There should be monuments built to keep patrons from entering. There should be museums dedicated to documenting the shittyness of this totalitarian establishment. In fact, if Hitler was a bar, he would be Vapor.

Think about the similarities. Hitler Sucked, Vapor sucks. Hitler killed Jews, Vapor Kills your Saturday night. Basically, the only difference between the two was that mustache, because it is quite difficult for a bar to have a mustache, although the coat check girl had one.

If anyone reading this has already been to Vapor, you can stop reading now. You have most likely left that place, threw up all over yourself in shame, wrote a drunken, vehement review on city search, and at one point since then either stopped by there on your way home at 4:00 am to piss on the door, or called the NYC health commissioner and told him there was Semen in your gin & Tonic.

Now don't get me wrong, I have been to shitty bars before. I have waited on hour long lines, dealt with meatball bouncers who still live in Staten Island with their parents, I have not been able to move, nor get a drink, while being surrounded by hordes of B & T'ers spilling their apple martinis on me and stinking of whatever terrible perfume one of the Gotti kids endorsed last month. BUT, I have never been to a place quite as inherently pathetic as Vapor.


Therefore, I will proceed with the Top Six reasons NEVER TO GO TO VAPOR NYC:


6. You will get a rash. This is not the first dirty bar I have been to, but this place was trying to break records. The bathroom smelled like Jimmy Hoffa was buried in the paneling, the couches in the "White room" were brown, and the bar was basically covered in fly tape, as my elbows stuck to it each opportunity I got to order a drink, which was not often as the one bartender was either looking in the mirror, or adjusting the fold on his sleeve so his bicep would appear larger.

5. You will get hypothermia. Another similarity with Hitler, in that he didn't have the benefit of real heat either. When I walk into this place, the first thing I think (other than what the fuck is that smell?), is why is everyone wearing jackets? (and it had nothing to do with the $4 coat check). There was NO heat whatsoever, to the point where there was frost on the lighting.

4. This place is OBVIOUSLY not making any money. What gave it away? The plethora of empty bottles behind the bar? The one incapable bartender on a Saturday night? The $10 cover to get into a fucking Igloo? The 17 year olds with braces they let in dangling daddies credit card?Actually, my favorite was #3.

3. The automatic 25% gratuity on all Credit card transactions. I know, you can't believe it...In this fucking place? The bartender even already had his canned response to my "Dude, you have got to be kidding me" remark. "They make me do it"...You little wining fag...Yeah, that was also the Nazi's response...They made it do it. Tool. This is the concentration camp of NY nightlife...

2. Your Ex-Girlfriend, that kid you hate in that "Other" Fraternity from college, and that dick from your job will all be there. Trust me, this place hurts. If these folks hurt as well, it is only a matter of time before they come-a-running. Save yourself the awkward "Hi, How are you, I don't care" convo, the pleasure of kicking yourself for not beating his ass when it was Quasi-acceptable, and the having to behave on your fucking Saturday night. Unless you want to have a reunion of all the Fuck-sticks you have met, Stay away.

1. The White Castle around the corner has closed. Whatever, it was important to me...


**Special thanks to Brother H, Steevo A., and Phi Delta Theta