David Constantino - The Interview

Ladies and Gentlemen, we would like to introduce this weeks guest, World renown Non-confrontationalist, baseball analyst and awkward High School Dap giver: David Constantino.

JZ: Thank you for stopping by Dave. We know you are extremely busy this time of year with the baseball obsession and hockey.

DC: What do you meeeean bro, Shit was no problem son!

JZ: How is everything going with you these days Dave?

DC: Shit is off the hook son.

JZ: Care to elaborate on that a bit?

DC: Nah bro, Shit is just mad good right now son.

JZ: I see. Could you tell me a little bit about your new book entitled "From NYC to Hoboken and Back again"?

DC: Of course Bro. Heads like me need to keep a running log of their adventures. Hoboken is so hot right now, mad bitches. Plus it is much better vehicular access to the birthplace of the Rising Suns - The RC.

JZ: The Rising Suns? Who were they?

DC. What do you mean bro? Back in my 91% black High School, us Quasi - Jewish white kids rocking First down bubble jackets needed an intimidating name for our crew, thus the Rising suns! We even had a handshake!

JZ: I bet, back to Hoboken...Why do you travel there so much?

DC: What do you mean? (Dave emphasizes this remark with a chop like motion somewhere in between the Atlanta Braves tomahawk chop and the Nazi Salute...)My girl is there, she looks mad good bro...

JZ: True. After High School I understand you then went to college at the University at Buffalo?

DC: YUP...They had the hottest cheerleaders of all the schools I visited. Plus, I knew mad heads who were already going there...So it was a no brainer bro! Plus, that is where I met my first sweetheart...at the Ellie!

JZ: What the fuck is the Ellie?

DC: What do you mean bro? It was the off the hook convenient store in the dorms. We always used to get hooked up because I was banging the checkout girl. She gave great Brains. Mad free shit son, Auwwwww!

JZ: OK. So how have you acquired all of your baseball knowledge, and prediction prowess over the years?

DC: I have a network of heads all over the place hooking me up with the latest info on all baseball activities. If that fails, I just call Faf and read ESPN.com.

JZ: Interesting. We heard you have issued a bold proclamation that your roommate, and "Big Brother", ChrisDOPER Lynch will be the best man at your wedding. Is this true?

DC: Yup, Yup. We've been boys since Canibus dropped his first LP son. Kappa Sig for life. A thru B, Keep it in the tree. I wish I saw him more often though.

JZ: But I thought you were roommates?

DC: What do you mean! We are, just get mad busy though, you know?

JZ: Sure. We heard you devoted a whole chapter of you book to the Yankee/Red Sox Rivalry?

DC: Best in sports bro.

JZ: How do you respond to your critics who say your "Blitzkrieg text messaging" is unethical and overzealous?

DC: F them Bro. Heads are shook. Heads need to hear what I am saying, I let everyone know what the deal is in the sports arena. Besides, text messaging is much more efficient than using the phone.

JZ: Alllrighty then...What are you doing for New Years?

DC: Whatever everyone else does.

JZ: Can I get a couple top 5 Lists from you Now?

DC: YUP

JZ: Top 5 Favorite things in the world

DC: 1. Rangers Hockey (Followed by a very Loud clap, and "Whoooo" Scream)

2.The Path

3.Bootcamp Click (The 1st LP)

4.Highschool Baseball

5.MGM 301

JZ:Dave unfortunately I believe we are out of time, thank you so much for your time.

DC: No doubt son...I can probably catch the next path son! Mets to the Ship 2G6...

Michael Kraemer: The Interview

This is the first in a series of Tribute pages for the great men of the 21st Century.

Let me introduce our first guest in this series, famous socialite Mike Kraemer.

Welcome Mike, let me start by asking you the question that we are all dying to know...Where the Fuck are you?

MK: Well you know, I chill in the cut. A lot of heads don't know exactly what that is, or where it's at, so that why I like it so much.

JZ: But how does anyone Holla at you?

MK: Well, I need to want to be hollad at, then I will bartend at Red Sky. All the Dun Duns come a runnin.

JZ: Does that give you enough quality time with your "Dun Duns"?

MK: Well not exactly, but I get paid for it. You try hanging out a bunch of Jews, a couple Wops, and an Irishman at the same time - and keep an eye on the talent...Shit gets mad hectic you know?

JZ: I see, well speaking of talent - Your mom is Wicked Hot.

MK: I know! And she strikes a ridiculous resembelence to my girl! Isn't that wierd??? Rock it out!

JZ: Mike - for all of our readers out there, how do you stay so up to date with the coolest parties, and stay looking so fresh?

MK: Well it really starts with this guy Q. Nobody really has any idea WTF to do on any given night until they call Q. Once he sets a direction, things get in motion. And in regards to lookin so good, I mean look at my baby picture (above), Shit was meant to be son!

JZ: Could you tell us about your expierience being the lead singer in the band?

MK: Oh, Dog...I wasn't in a band. Thats just some funny shit I do when I mad Driz. I am funny cat.

JZ: I know you have done some acting, could you tell us about that expierience?

MK: Yeah. Acting is lilke eating at McDonald's. You never know what you want when you first get into it, and then once you decide how your gonna eat, shit feels mad good. The problem is as soon as you are done, you have to drop a duece.

JZ: Does that happen a lot to you, having to drop a duece I mean?

MK: Fuck yeah! I believe a healthy individual will drop 4-5 dueces daily. Some can be more aggressive than others, but the idea is to just get them in. Or out. It's like my Mantra.

JZ: We heard you recently had a barbeque and some of the guests got out of hand, resulting in $3000 in front door property damage. Could you tell us what happened?

MK: Well, I have this friend named Drunken Antone. When I am drizzed, I have a duplicate peronality named Michael Kramass Nathanial Jones Esquire III (Inset). When we get together it is like giving a Gremlin food after 12.

JZ: Interesting. I would like to play a little word association now if it is ok with you.

MK: Sure, Do you!

JZ: Doody.

MK: My Brother.

JZ: Ummm, OK. Brains?

MK: (Laughing Hysterically) Hell Yeah!

JZ:Song.

MK: Feel, Feel, Feel, Feel Feel................Feel My heat. Yeah!

JZ: OK, I don't think this is working. Moving on, how did you like modeling?

MK: Shit was hot son. All the bizznitches wanted a piece or Krammass Jones. The only problem was they kept wanting me to travel to third world ccountries & Shit. You try taking 4 Dumps a day in Pakistan!

JZ: Right, So what are you doing these days?

MK: After the "Pooping like a horse" cat walk incident, I was pretty much blackballed from the modeling world. Now I am the proud owner of a hardware store where I am working on inventing a larger toilet seat for comfort. You ever wonder how Shaq takes a dump?

JZ: Actually, NO. But then again, you are always a few steps ahead of folks.

(Mike has left to take a dump...)

Next week: A new guest.